The Heart of the Father (and Mother)

I’ve been trying to find the words to express what we experienced a few weeks ago and the profound impact it had on us in every way--physically, mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually.

Two Fridays ago, our six-week-old son, William, started coughing in the night. We took him to the doctor the next morning, and he tested positive for RSV. At first, it was mild--the occasional cough and sneeze. However, when he tested positive, the doctor told us that we were at the beginning of the RSV cycle, and Will would get worse before he got better. Just hearing his tiny cough and sneeze that morning hurt my heart in a way it had never hurt before--how could we all handle it getting worse?

Despite the words of the doctor, we believed that Will’s case would be mild and he wouldn’t experience the “worse” they were predicting. And despite our beliefs and hopes, Will did get worse before he got better.

Monday morning, I knew something was wrong when I got him up from his crib. His eyes were red and glassy; his breathing was fast; his ribs were retracting. All the signs the doctor told us to look for were in front of my eyes, glaring warning signs all over my precious baby boy.

Austin and I decided to take him to the emergency room. We contacted family and friends to pray with us while we were en route, and to our relief, his O2 sat was 100 and his temperature was normal when we arrived at the hospital. We were seen quickly and stayed in the ER through early afternoon. Thanks to the wonderful medical team that attended to our sweet William (and many prayers), he was looking and feeling more like himself when we were discharged.

Monday night was okay--what was to be expected after a morning and afternoon in the hospital. We thought surely this was the worst, and the next day would be better. But we were wrong.

Tuesday came, and Will was still struggling. I held him all day, not wanting to let him out of my sight or arms. After hours of hearing his labored breathing and feeling his chest rise and fall in quick, exaggerated motions, Austin and I wondered if we should take him back to the hospital. Thankfully, our friend Cindy is a respiratory therapist, and she offered to come to the house to assess him.

When she examined him, she found that his lungs sounded as good as they could with RSV, and there was no cause for concern despite his breathing pattern and retracting ribs. She gave us some tips to help him through the night and next few days, as this would probably be the worst it would get. By Wednesday and Thursday, Will was starting to get over the hump. By the weekend, he was like his normal self, minus a lingering cough.

Let me make a disclaimer: I share the details of Will’s experience with RSV with the understanding that many parents have experienced far worse cases of the virus with their littles. I also share this story knowing that many parents have had to watch their children face far worse illnesses than RSV. I’m not demeaning the illnesses or ailments other families face, but I’m also not diminishing the sickness William experienced. A sick kid is a sick kid, and the hearts of mothers and fathers break when they see their children sick. I share this story with you to ultimately highlight what I learned throughout this experience, as this is the first time Austin and I have walked through a sickness with our child.

When things go wrong, I frantically search for something to cling to. For me, this is often Scripture, and more accurately, it’s a common experience from the life of Jesus. I bolt to the Gospels to find a sliver of common ground with my Savior. I find comfort and courage knowing that if Jesus experienced and overcame what I’m facing (or something similar to it), then I can experience and overcome it, too. 

However, the frantic search I fell into while walking through this experience with William did not lead me to God the Son. Instead, it led me to God the Father. 

Every second seeing Will sick made my heart break in a way it had never broken before. My mother’s heart seemed overwhelmed with too great a burden to go on with every day life. It’s like time stood still and all I could think was, “Dear Lord, please let him make it to the next minute,” because that’s all I could do--live minute to minute.

And I found myself asking the question, “What could be worse?” What could be worse than seeing a child--your child--sick? What could be worse than having the overwhelming, natural urge to help but knowing that you can only do so much? What could be worse than wanting to explain to your child what’s happening but knowing they’re not able to comprehend it? What could be worse than experiencing this pain by circumstance?

What could be worse? Experiencing this pain by choice. 

It’s one thing to see your child in pain; it’s another to put the plan into motion that causes the pain.

It’s one thing having the urge to help and not being able to; it’s another to have the urge and ability to help but choosing not to.

It’s one thing to see your child go through something they can’t comprehend; it’s another to see your child go through something they can fully comprehend, and they know you play a part in it.

In the middle of my searching and questioning, God revealed a crucial point of Scripture to me: Jesus did not end up on the cross by circumstance. He ended up on the cross by choice. 

God the Father knew what His Son would have to endure. He knew the pain Jesus would experience. He had the power to stop it all. And yet when Jesus cried out to Him from the cross and asked, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46), God didn’t answer. He didn’t intervene. He’s the Almighty God who can do anything, and yet He chose to let His Son endure the most horrible death known to man.

God the Father made a choice, and He made the choice for us. Jesus could have called angels down from heaven to free Him of His pain, but He made a choice to stay on the cross, and He made the choice for us.

After years of being a Christian, I thought I could comprehend the sacrifice that Jesus made for us on the cross. He died so that we could have a relationship with God. I thought I could comprehend John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I thought I understood the choice He made to endure this painful death so that I could have eternal life with God. 

But as a parent, I realize now that I don’t comprehend it. I can’t comprehend it. How prideful it was for me to think I understood the weight and magnitude of what happened that day on the cross! I can’t imagine witnessing my child go through something as dark, lonely, and painful as that--especially for people who didn’t even know me yet.

And yet, this is the beauty of the Gospel--that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). It’s a beauty that we can accept in faith but will never be able to understand fully until we see God face-to-face in heaven, until we see Jesus our Savior seated at His right hand.

Here’s what I now know: God made a choice. He chose me. He chose you. Over His living, breathing, only Son, He chose someone else. He chose everyone else. 

The people who behave, and the people who don’t. The people who attend church, and the people who don’t. The people who believe, and the people who don’t. The people who love Him, and the people who don’t.

This is the heart of the Father, and it’s reflected in the hearts of earthly mothers and fathers. It’s the heart that breaks in ways it’s never broken before. It’s the heart that’s overwhelmed with burden. It’s the heart that wills time to stand still. It’s the heart that pleads for those it loves.

It’s the heart that plans things too great for us to comprehend. It’s the heart that endures pain for promise. It’s the heart that chooses eternity over temporary. 

If you’ve ever questioned God’s love for you, there’s no need to question any longer. His heart longs for you, and His heart broke in a way it had never broken before to get to you. God loves you, and He chose you. And even when we can't fully comprehend it, we have the ability to choose it. We have the ability to choose Him back, to make His choice for us not in vain. To make His choice to experience heartache a choice that will bring healing to our hearts.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 

Know. Accept. Choose. Live.